There is. Because we're here. Even if we wanted to die, that option is not in our hands.
[ He regrets the words as soon as they leave his mouth; Aragaki is as suicidal as Harry was, yes, but he is not at Harry's old age, and Kim has more responsibility here than he necessarily had for Harry. Harry was his superior. Aragaki is... something else. But his approach usually remains the same. If someone is drowning, he will offer them his hand. He will do everything in his power to help them, even if that means more labour on his part than he cares to think of. He will help them get on their feet, he will help with finances if he can, with clothing, with education, with care. He is not heartless. He wants to help, deep down. But if someone doesn't wish to be helped, he will not belabour the point, will not leap into the water to save them himself. It's not something he has inside him. He's known this since he was very young.
There is some deficit in him. He's always known that. It's part of why he hopes that Aragaki has someone else to go to; he is too terse, too cold, too unemotional, too rigid. He's known that since he was very young, and very little changed as he aged. Aragaki is not his first time dealing with someone suicidal, someone so on the brink that their whole being is like an exposed nerve, sparking with pain and misery and a desire for things to end. But if Kim said that his every interaction with someone in that state - even those he cared deeply for, more deeply than they likely knew - ended well, he would be a liar.
Aragaki is lashing out out of trauma and hurt, Kim realizes that much. On the surface, he looks utterly unmoved by the situation, his expression a still, placid lake, his hands unmoving from his coffee cup, his furrowed brow unchanged. Raising his voice, reacting in kind -- maybe that's what Aragaki needs. But it's not what Kim has to give him. The only thing he knows how to do is to deal with things calmly, reasonably, as though every conversation is another shoot-out that he's trying to negotiate his way out of. What would someone else do, someone better with this sort of thing, with juveniles? Harry would have some way to empathize with him, to relate with him. Maybe put a hand on his shoulder. Hell, maybe he'd even give the kid a hug.
Somehow, Kim doesn't think that would go very well from him. ]
As long as we draw breath here, it is not the end of the line. He is here, and so are you. That's just the truth of things. [ He looks out the window. The city outside is well-lit, but quiet, a ghost town; nothing like his beloved Revachol. He misses it terribly. The sound of the people rising for early shifts, or going home after a long night out, the sound of the machines roaring to life as construction workers pull night shifts, the buzz of a city at life. Here, there is nothing, as though he is forced to live in a permanent twilight. ] If you don't believe yourself capable of giving any more to him, if you wish to sever ties, that's your decision. I won't try to convince you otherwise. Do what you must.
[ He's being sincere. If Aragaki wants to give up, rot in his room and never see another soul, that is his decision. He can't make it for him. He would like for Aragaki to reach that conclusion, but he will not reach it because Kim tells him to. He doesn't have that power, though he wishes that he did. More of his friends would still be alive that way. ]
It doesn't have to be one or the other. The decision does not have to be made here and now. If the people I have hurt come here, then I will have to deal with it too. [ A small, humourless smile. ] Then I'll have some decisions of my own to make. But -- I prefer to take it day by day.
cw: suicide discussion
[ He regrets the words as soon as they leave his mouth; Aragaki is as suicidal as Harry was, yes, but he is not at Harry's old age, and Kim has more responsibility here than he necessarily had for Harry. Harry was his superior. Aragaki is... something else. But his approach usually remains the same. If someone is drowning, he will offer them his hand. He will do everything in his power to help them, even if that means more labour on his part than he cares to think of. He will help them get on their feet, he will help with finances if he can, with clothing, with education, with care. He is not heartless. He wants to help, deep down. But if someone doesn't wish to be helped, he will not belabour the point, will not leap into the water to save them himself. It's not something he has inside him. He's known this since he was very young.
There is some deficit in him. He's always known that. It's part of why he hopes that Aragaki has someone else to go to; he is too terse, too cold, too unemotional, too rigid. He's known that since he was very young, and very little changed as he aged. Aragaki is not his first time dealing with someone suicidal, someone so on the brink that their whole being is like an exposed nerve, sparking with pain and misery and a desire for things to end. But if Kim said that his every interaction with someone in that state - even those he cared deeply for, more deeply than they likely knew - ended well, he would be a liar.
Aragaki is lashing out out of trauma and hurt, Kim realizes that much. On the surface, he looks utterly unmoved by the situation, his expression a still, placid lake, his hands unmoving from his coffee cup, his furrowed brow unchanged. Raising his voice, reacting in kind -- maybe that's what Aragaki needs. But it's not what Kim has to give him. The only thing he knows how to do is to deal with things calmly, reasonably, as though every conversation is another shoot-out that he's trying to negotiate his way out of. What would someone else do, someone better with this sort of thing, with juveniles? Harry would have some way to empathize with him, to relate with him. Maybe put a hand on his shoulder. Hell, maybe he'd even give the kid a hug.
Somehow, Kim doesn't think that would go very well from him. ]
As long as we draw breath here, it is not the end of the line. He is here, and so are you. That's just the truth of things. [ He looks out the window. The city outside is well-lit, but quiet, a ghost town; nothing like his beloved Revachol. He misses it terribly. The sound of the people rising for early shifts, or going home after a long night out, the sound of the machines roaring to life as construction workers pull night shifts, the buzz of a city at life. Here, there is nothing, as though he is forced to live in a permanent twilight. ] If you don't believe yourself capable of giving any more to him, if you wish to sever ties, that's your decision. I won't try to convince you otherwise. Do what you must.
[ He's being sincere. If Aragaki wants to give up, rot in his room and never see another soul, that is his decision. He can't make it for him. He would like for Aragaki to reach that conclusion, but he will not reach it because Kim tells him to. He doesn't have that power, though he wishes that he did. More of his friends would still be alive that way. ]
It doesn't have to be one or the other. The decision does not have to be made here and now. If the people I have hurt come here, then I will have to deal with it too. [ A small, humourless smile. ] Then I'll have some decisions of my own to make. But -- I prefer to take it day by day.